"Just keep swimming"... But in order to swim I need a swimsuit. Ug.
I don't like shopping and I definitely don't like shopping for something that shows my whole body. God loves me no matter what size I am... The rest of the world is a little more judgmental.
They don't know that I used to be a size 4 and vomited so I could stay that way. They don't know that I was only able to break that cycle because my husband finally found out and devastated me with the truth of how I would be teaching my girls the same behavior and self hatred. They dont know how hard it was to stop. They don't know that on really bad days I wonder if I could hide it this time and to hell with the physical side affects. They don't know that all the drugs I'm on have a side effect of weight gain and how defeating that feels.
But none of that matters. To judge is to be human. I judge too, just about different things... Which doesn't at all change my swimsuit issue.
Karen told me to try out Avenue, that they probably still have swimsuits and cater to plus size girls.
As I got out of the car and started towards the store doors I broke out into a cold sweat... Which is hard to do in the Texas heat. I sent plea to God that I find SOMETHING. (God is cool with a mundane prayer, he knows if I were given a choice I would choose "end world hunger" over "Kathleen's swimsuit.")
Anyway, as I wrenched open the doors a chill shivered down my spine... I can sense that the swimwear is near, like a deer sensing the scope of a rifle while drinking from a stream.
I freeze just inside the doors. Ears perked to locate the danger.
"Good evening! Can I help you find something?" asks the sales clerk.
I squeak "swimsuits?" and am shown to the torture racks.
I find several options in what I think is my size. I can hear the music of doom as I walk to the execution chamber. What else could you call a small room with mirrors on three sides.
Who decided to put the equivalent of Spanx in a swimsuit? Now I'm sweating from the effort of fighting this material. Lemme just lay it out for you... At my size, all spandex is going to achieve is extra strain on those poor seams. But I valiantly carry on. I even had two suits to choose from. They sufficiently covered me so that I don't think anyone will take a photo to share and laugh at with their friends (you know that happens.)
The suit is 60% off, score! I'm excited to spend some time in the pool while on vacation. It's been years since I've been in a pool. I am even thinking of getting in some laps a couple of times a week when I get home. Why waste a suit that fits?