Thursday, August 11, 2011

The Art of Being Me

I had a rough 5 minutes this morning.

A look in the mirror. But not a mirror that shows a reflection.  Those don't work anymore.  Somehow I have built-in photoshop, a special filter from my eyes to my brain. I see but I don't SEE. Today's mirror didn't have a reflective surface.  It wasn't on a wall or propped for preening.  It was my reflection in the eyes of another person.

I hit bottom a few months ago.  Everyone's "bottom" is different.  I hope as few people as possible hit bottom.  It hurts. But I am so blessed. First, I was able to ask for help.  Second, a wonderful therapist was recommended to me. Third, I have insurance that makes it possible for me to seek therapy. Fourth, I have a supportive family who stayed with me while I fell and will support me as I rise. And of coarse, God really does love me.

I am a work of art... and art is subjective.  I'm learning that not everyone needs to like me... but I need to like me.  And so I am taking this object of art that is me... clay or canvas or flesh... and I will create the best me I can.

This isn't something I can say "today I change"... it's not that simple.  But from the moment I started seeing Vera, I started working on me.  So many things to tackle on the inside :) but I have to look at the outside too.

So today I asked my hubby to take a picture of me.  I don't take pictures.  When I do I pull my children close to protect me. My breathing photoshop filters. Or I crop crop crop crop... just a face and a smile.  Today I SEE and that will be the beginning of change.

Okay, I didn't give up my protection completely.  I do have my handsome boy in the photo with me.  And one cannot help but look at him.  But I'm there too.  And that IS me. No playing with angles or placement of children... just me.  A piece of art.  But not one that I'm calling finished.  I see a lot of changes I want to make, inside and out. 

I have more to say... but am drained.  And anyone who has read this far is kind. Change takes time and effort and faith.  God will help me. And Vera too, I think God put her here just for me.


  1. You also have friends that will support you. I think everyone hits a bottom of sorts at some point in their life. I don't know what took you to yours but I know you are an intelligent, beautiful, woman and you will accomplish whatever it is you decide to do.

  2. much crap as I give you at work, this is a post that I absolutely love. Remember, no matter how many "glares" I give you, none of them are for real, they are for play. You are my friend, and I want my friends to be happy. Sounds like you are in a good place and above all, you deserve to be happy.

  3. Beautifully written, Kathleen! You are very right in that God has brought you and Vera together for a purpose, that only you and he will fully know.

    But I agree with Stefanie - you are a intelligent, beautiful, hilarious woman - just as you are!

  4. Love you, love you, love you. We all love you so much and want you to see yourself as beautiful as we see you.