Thursday, February 9, 2012

Family Circus

This morning was more 3-ringed than usual. I'll just go ahead and admit that Caitlin did not get to school on time... and then there was an email from her teacher, to all the parents (but we know it was meant for me), about "tardies"... awkward!

1st Act: The Girl in the Locked Box

In the center ring this morning was Caitlin (surprise, surprise.) I was putting my dress in the dryer, because that's how I iron, when I heard screaming and banging coming from the general direction of the bathroom. Then the sound of the dryer muffled the screams and it was easy to ignore.

But when I needed to get into the bathroom myself the screaming needed to be addressed. The girls aren't allowed to lock the bathroom door because the last time they did they accidentally shut the door behind them with no one on the inside to UNlock the door... and I had to remove the door knob... during a slumber party.

Anyway, they are not allowed to lock the door... but Caitlin has figured out how to block the door from opening with the drawer:

Very effective!

Fortunately "open the damn door" is a magic phrase.

2nd Act: Amazing Toothpaste

Caitlin hates brushing her teeth. I suspect her "locked" door maneuver is a ruse to give the impression that she has brushed her teeth while alone.  Her back-up ruse is to rinse all the toothpaste off the brush before putting it into her mouth... this doesn't work so well when I'm standing there brushing my teeth too.

We had a stare-off in the mirror. She knew she couldn't stop brushing before I did... so I brushed for an extra long time :) I'm evil that way.

Somehow we (the unidentifiable we) manage to get toothpaste everywhere... everyday.  How did we get it on the toilet? Or on the upper right hand side of the mirror? Seems to be everywhere except in the tube and on the brush.

This morning there was a huge smear of toothpaste on the back of the hairbrush. Yuck, with some of Siobain's hair already stuck to it.  Have I mentioned that I have hair issues? I rinsed the brush off... and then decided to clean the hair out of the bristles.

Bad move. I didn't dry my hands first so the ball of human hair kept clinging to my hands. This would usually make me barf, but I didn't.

Instead I decided we better leave the house before anything else happens...

3rd Act: The Strongest Girl in the World

"Where's my lunch?" Caitlin asks from the middle of the living room. She loves to park herself in the middle of the living room.

After determining that Daddy didn't make lunch for Caitlin I told her she could just buy lunch today.

"I only like to buy on Tuesdays and Friday" Caitlin states from the middle of the room.

"What are they having today?" I ask, standing in the open front door.

"I don't know" Caitlin states, firmly rooted to the center of the living room floor.

"Maybe you'll like it. We GOTS TO GO!" I said sternly, gesturing out the door.

Blank stare from Caitlin... and this is why the middle of the room is Caitlin's favorite spot... she knows I"m not going to pick her up or drag her by her hair or yank her by the feet, no matter how much I REALLY REALLY WANT TO. All she has to do is root herself and not budge.

I gave up. She's gonna be late. We fixed her lunch and finally headed for the car.

4th Act: Clown Car

"Since you are already late, I'm going to drop Siobain off first because her school is on the way" I say, standing at the front door (again.)

"Daddy said we aren't allowed to let you do that anymore." Siobain says breezily as she walks past me.

"I AM THE MOMMY AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT!" I screamed so all the neighbors are sure to hear this declaration... Unfortunately I was a bit worried that Siobain would refuse to get out of the car if I tried to drop her off first... so to Caitlin's school I drove.

(Back story)
Okay, yesterday I freaked out a little during drop-off and called the school to ask them what the ha-shizzle the new drop off routine is.  Here's a sketch:

Lane 1 is the drop off lane.  Lane 4 is the "park, pick-your-nose, apply make-up, do whatever" lane.  Lane 2 and 3 are confusing.

People have been using lane 3 as a drop-off lane lately... because it kinda looks like one now that the school added all those safety cones in lane 2. So I started using it but got SERIOUS ATTITUDE from the crazy lady with the "stop" sign. When I spoke to the office yesterday they said "those people (which would include me) are WRONG and we have been sending notes home trying to get them to stop." A-w-k-w-a-r-d.. basically, if I'd paid attention to some of that paperwork sent home in the folders then I would know what the ha-shizzle is going on.

(Back from the back story)
Are you still with me? As we are approaching Caitlin's school the voice* in my head starts talking to me...

"You're a bad Mom who doesn't read the paperwork sent home!"
"You've been doing drop-off all wrong!"
"ALL the other moms have seen your car in the wrong lane!"
"They think you think you are better than them!"

I had to silence the voice, ASAP. I started making a very loud humming noise... my version of "lalalalalala I can't hear you!"

This worked! I calmed down... but then the girlies started humming with me.

We were a car of crazies!

And THAT happened before 8:15 am.

*We all have that voice in our head. This was not a "crazy" voice... although my response may have been questionable. :)

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