Sunday, October 30, 2011

The Devil in Me

I'm listening to The Exorcist by William Peter Blatty, performed by the author.  I've never read it before but have seen the movie several times. It is a frightening movie... and the book is just as frightening... I'm four hours into the 12 and expect the book to exceed the fright of the movie.

He has a wonderful way with words and his performance is amazing.  There have been several lines worthy of writing and keeping. Someone told me Blatty was a stage actor and it is easy to see.  I assume his intimacy with the story lends an even better performance.

My husband gave my sister the book as a Christmas present the first year of our marriage. She refused to let it in her house. I don't blame her. I listen in the car when I drive, usually to and from work, two hours a day.  In the daylight.

Tonight I listened on the way back from Arlington, in the dark.  A different experience.  Closed in the darkness of night, in the car... I actually got a little nervous that hands would grab me from under my seat.

Silly of me. I laugh at myself.  But I do believe in the devil.  I believe in God.

I love my therapist and that she helps me with my faith as well as with all the other issues I'm struggling with. That following God is the way out of my struggles.  Faith in him because He is strong. Struggling to "fix" things on my own, without Him, is insulting and prideful.

My struggles are the devil turning me from God.  Does that sound kooky?  I may have thought so in the past.  But when Vera explained it, I believed. I've been raised Catholic, and I believe in the church, but it is a non-Catholic that is bringing me closer to God.  She respects my religion.  And I respect hers.

I was ashamed that I had not been active in the church. That I had not made time to incorporate mass as a regular part of our life.  I had not felt worthy of God or his help.  Vera laughed, not at me but with me somehow.  God will not turn me away, he was waiting for me to come to him. He wants to guide his children and I am worthy, He made me. He loves me. He shows the way.

When I can not handle what life has given me, no matter how small it may seem to others, I give it to God. He is strong. Stronger than my mind can imagine.  Worry about this for me God, I cannot handle this alone.

I ask Him to guide me in my decisions. Guide me from the grasps that the devil has on me. An exorcism I do not need, thanks be to God.  But the devil still tries to grab at me. With self doubts, self hatred, and inner turmoil... some specific in nature and some general. I'm working on these things.  With God and with Vera, who God has sent to help me.

I'm rambling... but this is what The Exorcist has made me think about. I've taken this picture, partly because 'tis the spooky time of year... and partly because there are still "demons" to fight within me.

I have faith in God.
And will follow Him to peace and glory.
Expelling the devils hold and my negative thoughts.
Because the Lord loves me, his child.
And His strength will bring me home.

I can feel the healing.
Even as I feel the struggle.
Keeping the good and cutting away the bad.
Keeping the core of me, my personality, but letting go of the hatred.

I'm a long way from home but know my destination.

I am not "born again" but understand the sentiment.
The peace and exhilaration of feeling Christ in my life.
He has been there and I am close to him again.
I have always believed but now am awakened and worthy.

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