Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Laters, baby.

Fifty Shades of Grey/Darker/Freed... I love this book. I hate this book.

I've read this "series" twice.  I picked the book up because so many of my friends were reading it. I've since heard this book referred to as "house-wife porn" multiple times... no doubt, this book is sexually explicit. But that's not why I read it twice.

(Side note: I'm just going to refer to the three books as one because they don't stand alone and should not have been released as three.)

Anyway, the first time I read the book I spiralled into a depression. I loved Christian and I'm a sucker for a love story and what's wrong with some good "kinky fuckery?" So why the depression?

Two of the smartest women I know thought the book was poorly written.  One stopped reading after the first "book," the other continued reading and enjoyed it. Poorly written or not, it's a good "popcorn" book, as my dad would say. (Sweet Valley High fell under "popcorn" when I was in high school. I loved me some Sweet Valley High.)

Why was THIS popcorn book having such an effect on me?  Except for "I love it" or "this is porn" I wasn't really hearing anything else from my peeps.  Certainly no one was depressed.

I did have some pause, and discussion with friends, about whether God would approve of this book. Unanimously NO :) I have a friend that skipped over some of the "fuckery" parts, so she's better than I, who read all the parts. Is this why I was depressed? A shame before God?

No. I have much more to be shamed for before God.  And I have what I think is a healthy attitude towards sex. If it feels good, is consensual between monogamous adults and doesn't involve animals... then go for it, I enjoy some "kinky fuckery" myself.

So, why? Why this affect on me?

I read the book again. I loved Christian again. I looked forward to the healing of his self-hatred.

And that's why I hate this book.  He heals. In a fairytale fashion.  The princess comes and he is healed from his self-hatred.

I have my prince. I have the man that God made for me. I am complete in all possible ways but one.

I've been working on this so long.  When will I like myself?

1 comment:

  1. That brought tears to my eyes and made me far more aware of the impact these books had on me. Thank you for sharing. I so long to heal, to like myself... you are NOT alone and I wish I had words of advice for you, but I don't. So I am just saying thank you and sending positive healing vibes your way. Your honesty is so admirable and I could go on and on about how amazing this blog is and what it dose for me personally, but I will spare you (as I have already gone on far too long) and just say Thank You!