Fifty Shades of Grey/Darker/Freed... I love this book. I hate this book.
I've read this "series" twice. I picked the book up because so many of my friends were reading it. I've since heard this book referred to as "house-wife porn" multiple times... no doubt, this book is sexually explicit. But that's not why I read it twice.
(Side note: I'm just going to refer to the three books as one because they don't stand alone and should not have been released as three.)
Anyway, the first time I read the book I spiralled into a depression. I loved Christian and I'm a sucker for a love story and what's wrong with some good "kinky fuckery?" So why the depression?
Two of the smartest women I know thought the book was poorly written. One stopped reading after the first "book," the other continued reading and enjoyed it. Poorly written or not, it's a good "popcorn" book, as my dad would say. (Sweet Valley High fell under "popcorn" when I was in high school. I loved me some Sweet Valley High.)
Why was THIS popcorn book having such an effect on me? Except for "I love it" or "this is porn" I wasn't really hearing anything else from my peeps. Certainly no one was depressed.
I did have some pause, and discussion with friends, about whether God would approve of this book. Unanimously NO :) I have a friend that skipped over some of the "fuckery" parts, so she's better than I, who read all the parts. Is this why I was depressed? A shame before God?
No. I have much more to be shamed for before God. And I have what I think is a healthy attitude towards sex. If it feels good, is consensual between monogamous adults and doesn't involve animals... then go for it, I enjoy some "kinky fuckery" myself.
So, why? Why this affect on me?
I read the book again. I loved Christian again. I looked forward to the healing of his self-hatred.
And that's why I hate this book. He heals. In a fairytale fashion. The princess comes and he is healed from his self-hatred.
I have my prince. I have the man that God made for me. I am complete in all possible ways but one.
I've been working on this so long. When will I like myself?